Steps

The future makes me anxious. Mostly it's because I have no idea what is headed our way. Morgan's job has been in a state of change or uncertainty for a long time now. A job that pays you on commission is rarely constant and can be hard on the nerves. With this recent round of medical problems has come many questions about our future. What kind of job does Morgan need? What kind of job does he want? How on earth are we going to get him from point A to B in this career pursuit?

Another opportunity has presented itself and I'm having a hard time deciding if it's a brilliant idea or an insane one.

Here goes. I'm thinking about joining the Air Force.

You heard me. I grew up while my father was in the Air Force and it gave us a really interesting life style that seems even more appealing when you factor in pretty decent pay, great benefits and the chance to travel all over the world while serving my country. Same reasons that I wanted to join the Foreign Service...I just couldn't pass the entrance exam.

The anxiety comes from wondering how well my husband is going to adjust to being a stay-at-home dad and how much I am really going to miss spending my days with Emma. I love her more than sunshine and for the last two-and-a-half years my hours have been occupied by her presence, voice, smiles, tears and hugs. How will I live without that? The mere idea makes my heart ache.

On the other hand, I can learn a new skill set, apply my degree, provide for my family in a substantial way. There is the possibility that my new job could take us far away to travel around the world. The Air Force would give us good enough health benefits to have another child, something we want but are not sure how to get anytime soon. And I can't tell you how nice it would be to have enough leave time and money to actually go on a vacation...all while building a career. Last but not least, there will also be the chance to serve my country, which is no small thing. I can imagine my father would be proud of me for seriously considering this option.

Last night I watched a video clip about Officer Training and when I was walking to work this morning I became aware of how my body moves. I walk with my shoulders back, my eyes up and a firm heel-toe foot fall. This is how my father walked, so distinctive that I knew who had just come into our home by the way the footsteps sounded. This is how my brother learned to walk and how I, too, walk. I realized today that I might as well be marching in formation, for all the way I carry myself. In the echo of my footsteps down the sidewalk, I was sure I heard my father's right beside me.